The Lair Necessities of Life

Infrequently Asked Questions

Why is there a number on the black box?

This is the batch number, a legal requirement in the production of cosmetics. We don’t want to upset The Man.

Allergies! Can I use your soaps?

Many of us have allergies or intolerances (such as nuts, dairy, the Daily Mail, James Corden). We are completely vegan, but some products (I Peel Good, for example) contain seeds [insert seedy joke here], whilst others contain coconut (unsurprisingly, Cococabana, plus Soothe Operator in the Pun’s Not Dead range, and No6, Into the Trees, Constance, and The Other Side in the Resurrection range; our Holding out for a Zero and Wasteland soaps may also contain coconut).

All of our ingredients are listed on the packaging – as required by law – and also on each soap’s respective webpage. So please do be sure to check. Or, if you prefer, feel free to ask us.

What is your refund policy?

We want you to be happy with your purchase. Honest. We put blood, sweat and tears into making our products (not literally, as this would compromise the vegan thing). In the unlikely event you find your product to be faulty, please get in touch with us and we will replace it. If you’re just a bit nonplussed, our standard policy is not to refund, though please get in touch and we’ll try and work it out so you’re, erm, plussed.

I see your true colours shining through…

As we use only natural ingredients, our soaps often change colour gradually, depending on the humidity and temperature they have been stored at. This does not mean the ingredients have gone off – rather, quite the opposite: like a fine wine, such as a 1978 Châteauneuf-du-Pape or a half-bottle of Blue Nun, they have matured, and their aroma will have intensified.

Needless to say (though we’ll say it anyway), all our products have the relevant safety certificates, issued by qualified and registered professionals. So don’t be afraid to let those true colours show.

I bought two of the same soap – but they look a bit different. What’s it all about, Alfie?

All of our soaps are handmade with natural ingredients. Although we use specific suppliers and certified formulae, there is sometimes a small amount of variability in appearance – that’s the nature of, erm, nature. Just get washing. Your soap will be made to our own formula with the love and care we put into every one of our products.

Oh, the Holding Out For A Zero has no fixed colour – it is what it is: a mix of different soaps, so each one can look different. But it’ll still look and smell Bonnie. Similarly, the Wasteland is an amalgamation of goth off-cuts (Gothcuts, if you will).

 Oi oi! Why is the paper around my soap wet?

Panic ye not. Sometimes, some of the water and essential oils can leak out of the soap, depending on how it’s been stored (the humidity and temperature). This is why the soaps are all wrapped in wax paper (vegan wax and also biodegradable, by the way).

We use a no-sweat base – I suppose using a sweaty base might be a bit off-putting in the world of hygiene. However, given the high amount of essential oils we cram into our soaps, sometimes they do seem to “sweat”, as if Peter Andre has been serenading them.  If you would like to remedy this effect, wipe the soap with a dry cloth or sponge and remember this sweat is totally harmless; and it smells delicious! Well, not as alluring as, say, Brut 33, but you can’t have it all…

I’ve got the munchies – can I eat your soaps?

No. Don’t eat them. They look and smell beautiful and like they’d be very tasty, and the ingredients are non-toxic, but they are not for eating. Or for washing someone’s foul mouth out with, like they used to do in the Beano.

On a more serious note, please ensure children do not mistake them for sweeties.

Loyalty Cards

Terms and Conditions

We are currently issuing loyalty cards to customers purchasing soaps directly from us, with a ‘buy nine soaps, get one free’ incentive.

Buy a soap, get a stamp. Collect nine stamps, get a free soap. You know the deal.

These cards are only valid when marked with our own signature Soap Dragon stamp. There is no deadline to complete the card. If you want to purchase soaps online, we can keep a record of your purchases on a loyalty card with your name on it, and we will send you a tenth soap of your choice on completion. We reserve the right to send you a soap of our choice instead, though.

Loyalty cards are not valid for commercial purchases or resale.

We reserve the right to withdraw the offer at any time, without any notice. (We have no plans on exercising this right, it’s just to ensure fair play.)